Wednesday, March 11, 2009
If Only I Could....................
I'm warning you, this is gonna be a super emo post.. I'm gonna blah about stuff that you might not even understand what is it.. So... Just save your time and don't bother reading it..
Do you realize that sometimes life just don't turn out the way you though it would be? You will be thinking that this and this will be like that but then suddenly one day, things just go the other way round. Sometimes it turns out better than you expected.. That would definitely put a big smile on your face and maybe even make you do the victory dance. But when things turn out a bad way / nightmare, you would break down and cry or maybe even just plaster a fake smile on your face so that people would think that "Owh.. She / he have such a happy life!". But they do not realize what is on the cover of the face does not show what is inside.. Deep down inside there.
Thinking back, seems like most of the time I'm just like a typical young girl, thinking everything would turn out to be a fairy tale. But dreams shattered just with a phone call from my Mom. I was then too young to actually know how to feel sad. So it was like "Owh.. Okie..". It didn't hit mie at that time. Well, picture were past from one hand to another hand of family members, all complaining how ugly she was. And finally I walked down the stairs and there I was, the last one looking at the pictures. Small red circle is circled around her face with red inked marker. She's the one who broke the family. My family. I didn't feel a thing. Nothing. Not even sadness. It was just like an ordinary thing. I was forbid to see him. I didn't get it so I went out secretly with him & her. I found out that she was a nice lady though. Mom found out and well of course, I got into trouble. I didn't go out with him after that but still contact through the phone. Finally things were settled and the worst part came. I lost her. She was like my mother. But she left with such short notice. Those last words coming out from her house before she left the house to the hospital, before she became unconscious and left mie once and for all, was still clearly playing through my mind over and over again all these years. Question is, why did I chose not to answer it? Why didn't it hot mie that it would be the last chance that I would get to talk to her? It was bad enough losing her, but things got even worst when my mom decided to sent mie to another home, a relative who I hated most, to be stayed with. Cried my eyes off my sockets but things didn't change. Decisions were made. 2 years there, just made mie feel like hell. At times I would be thinking of running away from that awful place and there was once when I actually told my mom that I wanted to move in with him. I asked for help from every adult I think who could possibly help mie change her mind, but it failed. Like most of the students in my school, we would be thinking that we would be continuing high school just there, I was one of them. But things turned out differently again. Dreams were shattered once again by receiving the news that I'm gonna be sent far away to continue high school. A boarding school. I didn't like it. I don't remember whether did I cried. But I know it's gonna be a whole different thing. I still remember how my friends back in primary school react when I told them I would be going away. Well, thank god that I did manage myself in that whole new environment. But things started to hit mie all over again. As I was much older by then, I realized all those things that happened affects mie a lot. I got so depressed at times and started a new habit. Slashing my wrist with a blade was my solution to get rid of the pain inside mie. Suicide was just standing by the corner of my mind. i suddenly understand that if everything was fine & perfect like it should be, things would just be okie. It's like I fell dramatically. Dreams don't seem real to mie anymore. I was so fucking depressed. But then I finally collected the shattered pieces of mie. I learned how to stand on my own. I learn to accept the fact that life actually sucks and nothing would actually turn out like a fairy tale. I finally had the courage to stop cutting myself. I was able to collect myself as one again. I finally understand why there wasn't a point of spending time with him. He was just a mother fucker who thinks he's fucking pure, but then he's the one who is contentminated. All he cares is them and I was nothing. I was just another person there. So, I stop visiting. Finding out that the people you actually trust most are the ones who betrayed you most, makes mie sick. I was finally on my own. I manage it. I know I consiquently screw up my life at times, but I manage to turn my way around and just makes things right. I thought things would just be like that. Just like it is now would be just nice. But no. Worst had happened. A place where I grew up and called home is soon gonna be someone else's house. Why? Sometimes (actually most of the time since I knew why) I feel like smacking him if I could.. Wanna ask him to wake up from his ridiculous dreams. Where had his mind wonder until he forgets his responsiblilities? He screwed up his life but that doesn't give him a green light to don't just give a fuck about his own dad. He can say things that make you feel that he knows what he's doing and he's doing the right thing. But it always ends up the other way round. Nobody dares to ask about anything. I was forbid to ask. They didnt even inform anything. And bits by bits of stuff are missing day after day. Where did all the things go? Where is he gonna end up staying? Will he manage to survive? Will he have any money to feed himself? What would happen to her? Are they gonna just leave her at the roadsides and be just like another stray dog? She cannot just learn to survive it out there now that she's so old and so used being at home all her life and us feeding her. How is she gonna find her own food out there? Why can't he just be considerate?? Where are the promises you made?? You can manage to buy that stupid expensive house back there in the island but you can't fucking support that house which is already on morgage? And how do you even explain in not being able to give your own Dad his monthly pocket money so he could buy his daily meal?? You heartless bastard! If I could, I feel like killing you man! It's just so unfair... If only I could help, I would.. But I couldn't. I don't have the right yet. When there was a home, I refused to go home and often spend my nights crashing at my friend's place. But when finally the home is gonna be taken, where do I call home now? Where do I go back to? Yes. I am regreting and I am crying silently inside. It's just so fucking unfair.. Life is so unfair at times. In fact I feel that it's a nightmare. A very long nightmare. Waiting for the time to just wake up and just leave all these nightmares behind. Or maybe just making it right. If only I can.........
Thinking back, seems like most of the time I'm just like a typical young girl, thinking everything would turn out to be a fairy tale. But dreams shattered just with a phone call from my Mom. I was then too young to actually know how to feel sad. So it was like "Owh.. Okie..". It didn't hit mie at that time. Well, picture were past from one hand to another hand of family members, all complaining how ugly she was. And finally I walked down the stairs and there I was, the last one looking at the pictures. Small red circle is circled around her face with red inked marker. She's the one who broke the family. My family. I didn't feel a thing. Nothing. Not even sadness. It was just like an ordinary thing. I was forbid to see him. I didn't get it so I went out secretly with him & her. I found out that she was a nice lady though. Mom found out and well of course, I got into trouble. I didn't go out with him after that but still contact through the phone. Finally things were settled and the worst part came. I lost her. She was like my mother. But she left with such short notice. Those last words coming out from her house before she left the house to the hospital, before she became unconscious and left mie once and for all, was still clearly playing through my mind over and over again all these years. Question is, why did I chose not to answer it? Why didn't it hot mie that it would be the last chance that I would get to talk to her? It was bad enough losing her, but things got even worst when my mom decided to sent mie to another home, a relative who I hated most, to be stayed with. Cried my eyes off my sockets but things didn't change. Decisions were made. 2 years there, just made mie feel like hell. At times I would be thinking of running away from that awful place and there was once when I actually told my mom that I wanted to move in with him. I asked for help from every adult I think who could possibly help mie change her mind, but it failed. Like most of the students in my school, we would be thinking that we would be continuing high school just there, I was one of them. But things turned out differently again. Dreams were shattered once again by receiving the news that I'm gonna be sent far away to continue high school. A boarding school. I didn't like it. I don't remember whether did I cried. But I know it's gonna be a whole different thing. I still remember how my friends back in primary school react when I told them I would be going away. Well, thank god that I did manage myself in that whole new environment. But things started to hit mie all over again. As I was much older by then, I realized all those things that happened affects mie a lot. I got so depressed at times and started a new habit. Slashing my wrist with a blade was my solution to get rid of the pain inside mie. Suicide was just standing by the corner of my mind. i suddenly understand that if everything was fine & perfect like it should be, things would just be okie. It's like I fell dramatically. Dreams don't seem real to mie anymore. I was so fucking depressed. But then I finally collected the shattered pieces of mie. I learned how to stand on my own. I learn to accept the fact that life actually sucks and nothing would actually turn out like a fairy tale. I finally had the courage to stop cutting myself. I was able to collect myself as one again. I finally understand why there wasn't a point of spending time with him. He was just a mother fucker who thinks he's fucking pure, but then he's the one who is contentminated. All he cares is them and I was nothing. I was just another person there. So, I stop visiting. Finding out that the people you actually trust most are the ones who betrayed you most, makes mie sick. I was finally on my own. I manage it. I know I consiquently screw up my life at times, but I manage to turn my way around and just makes things right. I thought things would just be like that. Just like it is now would be just nice. But no. Worst had happened. A place where I grew up and called home is soon gonna be someone else's house. Why? Sometimes (actually most of the time since I knew why) I feel like smacking him if I could.. Wanna ask him to wake up from his ridiculous dreams. Where had his mind wonder until he forgets his responsiblilities? He screwed up his life but that doesn't give him a green light to don't just give a fuck about his own dad. He can say things that make you feel that he knows what he's doing and he's doing the right thing. But it always ends up the other way round. Nobody dares to ask about anything. I was forbid to ask. They didnt even inform anything. And bits by bits of stuff are missing day after day. Where did all the things go? Where is he gonna end up staying? Will he manage to survive? Will he have any money to feed himself? What would happen to her? Are they gonna just leave her at the roadsides and be just like another stray dog? She cannot just learn to survive it out there now that she's so old and so used being at home all her life and us feeding her. How is she gonna find her own food out there? Why can't he just be considerate?? Where are the promises you made?? You can manage to buy that stupid expensive house back there in the island but you can't fucking support that house which is already on morgage? And how do you even explain in not being able to give your own Dad his monthly pocket money so he could buy his daily meal?? You heartless bastard! If I could, I feel like killing you man! It's just so unfair... If only I could help, I would.. But I couldn't. I don't have the right yet. When there was a home, I refused to go home and often spend my nights crashing at my friend's place. But when finally the home is gonna be taken, where do I call home now? Where do I go back to? Yes. I am regreting and I am crying silently inside. It's just so fucking unfair.. Life is so unfair at times. In fact I feel that it's a nightmare. A very long nightmare. Waiting for the time to just wake up and just leave all these nightmares behind. Or maybe just making it right. If only I can.........
Love,
Cheryl ♥
Cheryl ♥
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